Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
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I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Name another movie that mislead you?
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT