Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
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I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade