Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
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Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
My birth announcement for our third baby
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.