Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
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Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??