[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
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I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Still a very good boi….
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go