Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
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fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
boat question
Scream sneezers need love too.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
there has never been a better use of this meme
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
👾👾👾
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.