*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
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I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days