[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
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The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Okey dokey.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”