(Jupiter –
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The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke