Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
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Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
uh oh
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup