Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
You Might Also Like
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now