*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
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I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.