[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
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I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs