Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
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Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.