juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
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Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
*cough*
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
“I’m helping” 😅
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
#Caturday