jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
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My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!