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When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Rooting for the overdog
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
OH. COME. ON.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.