Just a bush.
You Might Also Like
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.