just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
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Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.