just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

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He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.


My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.


[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please


teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–


Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.


Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?


I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”


God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”


ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]


him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that