He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
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My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that