just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
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What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life