Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
You Might Also Like
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Had to try this trend 😊
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I really had high hopes for this year though
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore