just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
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me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Finally!
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
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Appendix
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house