Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
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Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
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I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
I already tried new things thanks.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream