Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
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Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in