Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
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Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
God, I love Scotland
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”