Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
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if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
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H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*