@mzeld
@Cpin42 Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
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@Cpin42 
@KateWhineHall Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
@Gupton68 Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
@JasonLastname If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
@CrockettForReal They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
@mayamanion My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
@SamSkinnerKC Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
@ckretmsage I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
@murrman5 do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
@J_Dazzle76 I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else