Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
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Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster