Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
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Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*