@mzeld

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

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@Cpin42

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

@KateWhineHall

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

@Gupton68

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

@JasonLastname

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

@CrockettForReal

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

@mayamanion

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

@SamSkinnerKC

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

@ckretmsage

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

@murrman5

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

@J_Dazzle76

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else