Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
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Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else