Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
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me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.