Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
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My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
how to have an accident 101
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
i wish i could marry a nap