Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
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[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
SF is the wild wild west man
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
repaired
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.