“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
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I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Dance like you’re not the father
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
The Assassin.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies