@Fickle_Filly

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

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@agentbizzle

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

@TheRealNickKay

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

@Breadery

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

@DickScurvy

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

@behindyourback

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

@david8hughes

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

@jackiembouvier

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

@chimneyspotter

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

@BacklineNurse

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns