*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt