Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
You Might Also Like
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.