Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
You Might Also Like
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.