Just as the prophecy foretold
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Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat