Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
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sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol