Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
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What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
#TopTip
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest