Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
You Might Also Like
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.