Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
You Might Also Like
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.