Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
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No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?