just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
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[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?