Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
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*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty