“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
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being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I’m going to need a moment here.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??