Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
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“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili