Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
You Might Also Like
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?