Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
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My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Had to try this trend 😊
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.