Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
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Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I fixed it. For me
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
in the ocean
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*