Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
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Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!