Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
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Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen