Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
You Might Also Like
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.