Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
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I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?