Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
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When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
A friend helps you before you need it
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.