Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

Baking is just science you can eat.

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

👀

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you